Apparently, in another life, I was born a sailor, because with Rockstar Presents Table Tennis I find myself swearing up a storm like one. Literally, it is one of those cases where after I say something, I have to think aloud if that choice word or phrase has always been in my repertoire. Besides that choice nugget, I'm "this close" to seeing how aerodynamic the 360's controller really is.

THE STORY SO FAR

Ummm…you play table tennis. Seriously, that is the closest you'll come to a story, because you don't even play table tennis in a career mode.

SINGLE PLAYER: GAMEPLAY

If you find yourself stuck with the single player portion only (or even if you simply don't feel like playing online all the time) the majority of your time will be spent in the tournament mode, practicing against the computer in preparation of your next online match, or doing a quick game to waste a bit of time.

In tournament mode, you'll pick one of several characters, and then take that character through the rounds of virtual tournaments. From the get-go you can choose one of three tournaments with an unselectable fourth that will only open once you complete the others before it. As you compete in the matches, after one is done you move to the next, and then the next and then on and on until you've completely finished that tournament. After you complete a tournament, keep on moving through the difficulties until you beat every tournament the game offers, and then grab another character and repeat the same process over again.

Exhibition mode is the same as tournament, only you're done as soon as one match is over, but you can still select what character you want to play as, who you want to go up against, and you even get to pick their clothes. Oooh! Aaah!

The other main focus of these offline modes is to unlock hidden bonus characters by either completing tournaments within a given amount of time or winning a select number of games over your computer opponents (win 50 matches against the computer and you will have unlocked every character in the game). Besides bonus characters, you'll also be trying to unlock extra levels and outfits by winning matches under certain conditions, like winning with a soft shot, coming back from a deficit, don't let the computer score, etc. I'll come out and say this now: the extra levels and outfits are a joke. The outfits are a joke because they are really only different colors of current existing ones and the new levels are hilarious in the fact that they are all still only a table with a few very basic backdrops that you'll hardly notice. Seriously, a level is basic only a table, and everything else is worthless.

Now don't go thinking these games against the CPU are a cakewalk, because they are as frustratingly difficult as games against a human component. And when I mean frustratingly difficult, I mean "get so mad you punch a pillow, scream at the game, stomp on the floor, and swear that you'll never play this piece of junk again" frustrating.

The controls of Table Tennis are the easiest thing about the game, but that isn't saying much as they present problems. The left thumbstick moves your character and tells the character the position you want them to angle the shot. The A-button is for topspin, the B-button is for a right sidespin, the X-button is for a left sidespin, and the Y-button is for a backspin. The only other shot options are combining two nearby buttons for a combo shot, using the left bumper in conjunction with another button for a soft shot, or using the right bumper in conjunction with another button for a focus shot.

My issues with the controls come from the fact that you can't map every button to your absolute specifications. For example, the soft shot can be a major shot in a player's routine, but when I hold the controller, my natural hold places my left index finger on the left trigger instead of bumper, which means I have to do this awkward movement to click the bumper in. I tried to change to a control scheme that best suited my fingers, but there wasn't any option that performed well, as either the soft shot or focus shot suffered from not being in the right position. Rockstar should've allowed players to map every button on the controller.

After you get by the controls, then you'll start to notice the gamplay issues. When I first started playing the game, I was having a blast and thought the game was flawless if a bit skimpy in the single player department, but there is a reason why people don't review games based on a few minutes of play. The longer I played the game the more and more I noticed how random everything was. In a sports game, gameplay should never come down to random luck, as it should always be about competition and who was the better player and not who got lucky. I'm playing table tennis…not scratching a lottery ticket from the local gas station.

The randomness comes from the fact that you can have two scenarios with the exact same setup and you'll still often get different results given that fact. I'm not kidding either, as I'm talking about literally having the same scenario more than once and nothing will ever be the same. One time, during these same scenarios, you can swing at the ball and you'll connect with a solid shot to the other side of the table, the next you'll completely miss the ball as it speeds by you, the next you'll pop it up into the air where the opponent will then slam it in your face, and then the next time your character won't even lunge for the ball. Nothing fundamentally changes, but for one stupid reason or another the conclusion is always different, and that fact makes the game a crapshoot rather than an actual duel of players. If I'm going to fail at something, I'd rather know it was because I sucked or the other player was better than me rather than the fact that the computer chose that moment to screw me over. You do not want the computer messing with you when a 200+ rally is on the line.

And that randomness goes to even more gameplay quirks. When you get lucky enough and manage to return a slam, you'll either get a shot that hits the net, completely misses the table, bounces high so the opponent can return another smash, or return the ball in such a way you ace them; you'll never know what result you'll get. As you play the game, you're supposed to get focus by charging up shots, but the ratio between the amount of focus you earn and the time you've spent charging don't seem to be connected, as I've charged plenty of shots and barely get any focus for my troubles, but the CPU can seem to build up that meter as quick as they want. Also, the computer controlled AI can move as fast as it wants, which means that it can return shots that they shouldn't be able to get to since you can't get to them (laws should apply to both sides of the table) and the computer has "rubber band" AI, which means that, for instance, if you are playing a match of two games, if you whoop the computer during the first game there is a good chance they'll whoop you just the same during the second game; your technique and shots could be the exact same, but once again the randomness will let the computer score where it shouldn't.

And finally, the controller really starts to vibrate once you've pushed the control stick too far, and that means the ball will go off the table, but you never know "when" or "how" it will happen. Once again…random. Like all previous scenarios, you can do the exact same move, apply the exact same pressure, and have the exact same scenarios happen and things will still always be different.

MULTIPLAYER: GAMEPLAY

All the randomness of the single player gameplay applies to the multiplayer gameplay, except for the fact that there is no cheap super fast opponents or "rubber band" AI to complain about.

Once you get online, you can choose to compete in normal non-ranked matches, ranked matches, or tournaments. Since you'll be playing online to either get rid of the cheap AI or test your worth against other humans, ranked matches and tournaments will probably be your destinations of choice. After Live loads, you can choose to either search for a game (there is no way to pick your opponent or join a game based on skill level, as it is all…random!) or create your own based on your specifications and then wait around for an opponent to show up. I say create your own game, because that way you can tailor the game to how you want it, and besides, it only takes a few seconds or up to a minute for another player to join.

When you get a solid connection, which will be the majority of the time, gameplay is fast and smooth. When you get a bad connection, you'll run across ghosting, which is the term I've christened the event when a player will be on one side of the tennis table and the ball will come from the other; the game is registering the player as moving, though it isn't showing that to the other player. I also ran across one game that was extremely slow, and there was nothing but ghosting the entire time.

As you win and lose, the game keeps track of your record, and gives you a TrueSkill ranking (up to 50) that determines how good of a player you are. Do you want to know how TrueSkill is determined? I'll give you a hint. It starts with an "r" and ends with "andom." Yes, even your TrueSkill ranking will be based on a random process. If someone has over a 100 wins and only a few losses, then yes, I could see them having a high ranking, but someone who has seven wins and one loss should not have a forty something rating. Why? Because when I had seven wins and no losses, I had only a TrueSkill ranking of 20. There is no consistency at all in this game.

GRAPHICS

I don't expect a graphical wonder from a table tennis game, so in that respect the game doesn't disappoint. The characters are nicely modeled and I love the way that their shirts will sweat under their arms and around their collar the longer you play a match and the more they move. As for the environments, they are a table in a wide-open room, and so they are nothing special.

SOUND

Imagine the quiet still of a room echoing the constant hits of a plastic ball against a paddle. Now imagine that occasionally you'll get a crowd reaction that ranges from mild interest to a light chant. Apparently, nobody goes to table tennis matches, as it has been extremely quiet for the majority of the time I've spent playing. Sound is sorely lacking, but I guess Rockstar is trying to be accurate to the source material.

CLOSING COMMENTS

When I first started playing the game, it felt like the ultimate in Zen gaming, where you cease playing a game and get so involved you feel at one, and a lot of this stemmed from the fact that I seemed to play worse when my mind was in a negative place and I was in an overall bad mood. But then I realized that wasn't the case at all, and instead Rockstar Presents Table Tennis just suffered from an overall weak presentation and gameplay that was so severely random even winning wasn't fun. Many people have said this is an evolution of Pong, but that would entail the game actually taking that gameplay and improving upon it, but Rockstar Presents Table Tennis took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and headed in the opposite direction. Give me Pong any day of the week, because then at least I know my paddle will control like I want it.

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